


Gone, But Never Forgotten

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Do not read if you aren't caught up with the manga, Gen, Headcanon, heavy spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 19:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12042783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bertholdt Hoover has always hated the idea of “fate.” In a world like this, people lose their lives all too often. He doesn’t believe in the saying that “all things happen for a reason.” Nobody,nobodyshould have to die in the ways that he’s witnessed. This world is cruel, and Bertholdt know’s that from first-person experience.He never chose to live a life like this.Darkness is around every corner, but things change for the worse when Bertholdt comes to the realization that he's left the Hell on Earth that he once called home. Slowly corrupting and falling into the clutches of madness, Bertholdt finds sanctity in being able to talk to at least one human being—his host, his enemy, Armin Arlert.





	Gone, But Never Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I am very well aware that this headcanon will never become canon. It was just an idea that some people in the fandom share that I thought would be an interesting topic to write about. WARNING: THERE WILL BE HEAVY SPOILERS IN THIS STORY. PROCEED WITH CAUTION IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MANGA. The first chapter will not have to do much with the whole storyline—more just an outlook on Bertholdt's life and how this story all begins.

Bertholdt Hoover. . . Cadet of the 104th, ranking third—just under his comrade, Reiner Braun. His combat skills were exceptional, but he “lacked aggression”, in Commander Keith Shadis’ words. He was never known to most other cadets, always staying on the sidelines and in the background. He followed Reiner (and occasionally Annie) around like a lost puppy, thinking that he possessed no will of his own. It was later revealed that this. . . _soldier_ was actually a _warrior_ incognito. Least expected, meek Bertholdt Hoover was, in fact, a Titan-Shifter. One of the most-feared Titan-Shifters, to be exact.

The Colossus Titan was known as well as feared by everyone within the walls. The first Titan to be able to see over the wall, as well as destroy said wall with a mind of its own. No one would have expected it. Reiner and Annie bore a noticeable resemblance to their Titans, but the only factor Bertholdt had in common with his? Height. He always was insecure about his height—being so much taller than everyone else and always sticking out in a crowd like a sore thumb. Bertholdt’s goal was always be as small as possible in many situations. . . Especially social situations. Needless to say, socializing and even speaking in general was not his forte.

However, the shy, gentle giant was not as shy nor gentle as people made him out to be. In fact, the boy seemed to have lost his previous persona completely during the infamous Battle of Shiganshina. All was going according to plan, a relief to Bertholdt that Reiner didn’t seem to be in any direct danger. But, that all changed when it was his turn to fight. The moment his world came crashing down is the moment he spotted Reiner’s body, hanging limply from the Armored Titan’s nape. . .head cleanly blown off. Anger boiled inside him, brimming with the loathing intention of destroying every last person that ever even looked at Reiner the wrong way.

“Are you sure that’s really Bertholdt?” some would ask, while others didn’t even bother. He’d proved himself. Bertholdt Hoover was falling into the clutches of what he was trained to do. . . A Marleyan warrior trained since he was a mere child to reign Hell on the Eldians of Paradise. They were winning. But, victory was quick to slip from their grasps. Armin Arlert’s brilliant mind was swift to gauge the situation for loopholes; distractions. And, before he knew it, Bertholdt was being ripped from the warm confines of his Titan’s nape by none other than Eren Jaeger. He always believed that it was impossible to get too close, but his kind heart had been his downfall.

_Why did I care? Why was I reluctant? Armin is my enemy—no longer my ally. My ability will burn him like the fires of Hell will do once his weak heart ceases to beat._

His intentions? Thwarted. He hesitated, but for only a moment, and then all was lost. It was like everything was moving in slow motion as Bertholdt’s mind processed what was happening around him. And then, it hit him. . . Like a slap to the face. This was all one big distraction so Eren could get close. Armin sacrificed his life to save his best friend, much like Bertholdt would have done without a second thought when it came to Reiner and Annie. He physically felt his heart crack in two at the thought of Annie. . . Crystallized underground in eternal sleep. . .

His eyes drifted to a close as he admitted defeat, there being nothing left but open air where his limbs used to be. His strength was gone. His will was gone. His hope. . . was brutally crushed. The stressed contorts of his face smoothed out, and he felt himself become dormant while the war around him raged on without mercy. Blackness engulfed his vision, and he could faintly hear the murmur of shouting. It was like straining to hear someone talk underwater. . .and he just couldn’t make out the words. “Why me. . . ?” he whispered, voice so quiet that even he couldn’t hear himself. The boy had fallen into an unconscious state, he knew that, but it felt like a small part of him was still alive—still awake. He curled his hands into fists, only to realize that he didn’t even have hands or even arms in general. A strangled sob ripped its way from his throat, and he was panicking. What was going on? Did Zeke fulfill his part of the deal? Has Reiner regenerated yet? And where’s. . .

His eyelids felt as heavy as lead. He wanted so badly to just close them for good at this point. What was even the point of opening his eyes when he’d only get to experience Hell on Earth yet again? Bertholdt never recalled a time where it took _this_ much strength to just simply open his eyes.

And suddenly, he was back in his training days.

No war, no bloodshed, no betrayal. . . It was an early, cold winter morning, and Bertholdt was tossing and turning in his bunk, the old wooden frame creaking with each movement he made. His blanket was much too small for him, and despite the fact that he has a higher body temperature than humans, he was still freezing cold. Sunrise wouldn’t be for another hour or so, and the barracks was dark. At this point, he was sure there was a visible puff of air each time he exhaled. It made him nervous—made him feel suspicious of himself. It reminded him too much of what happened whenever he was _really_ hurt.

Just last night, Bertholdt had been walking with Reiner and he had somehow managed to slip on the ice in front of the barrack’s porch; therefore falling forward and cracking his head right off the wooden steps. While Reiner laughed and Bertholdt blushed, steam billowed from the wound on his forehead, floating up and eventually dissipating into the navy blue winter sky. Before anyone was back to the barracks to retire, Bertholdt’s wound was gone. There was not but a trace left of his incident, and Reiner was the only one that knew about it. Reiner was always the only one.

He rolled over onto his side, straining to open his tired eyes. Everyone would have to get up soon enough, but Bertholdt just couldn’t bring himself to do it. His body spasmed with shivers and goosebumps were risen to life on the exposed skin of his arms. He could hear Reiner’s faint snoring beside him, and that sound was just about the most reassuring thing he could have asked for. Of course, he loved Reiner’s voice more than anything—so calming and baritone—but he was asleep right now, and Bertholdt’s eyes were still hopelessly shut. The sound of Reiner’s snores assured him that his true comrade was right beside him, despite what Reiner’s personality would be like when he rouses. A murmur vaguely resembling Bertholdt’s name escaped Reiner’s lips, and Bertholdt is smiling again. It felt strange to be smiling so genuinely. . . But, no one ever got to see this smile. It was something that Bertholdt kept to himself. He hid all of his emotions, even the positive ones.

His eyes were opening, and that smile was on his face. That smile that he’s hidden for so long. . .

And then, his eyes are as wide as saucers. His smile falls instantaneously, and he wants to scream.

He does scream.

A shadow looms over him; a shadow that he knows all too well. And, he’s defenseless. No hands to bite into, regenerative ability working at its maximum capacity, and. . .he lost. The hand is there. . . slowly lowering. And then, it’s all going in slow motion. His ears ring with deafening white noise, and suddenly, the world is silent. He can’t hear everyone crying. He can’t hear his own screaming. No, all he can hear is Reiner’s calming voice, telling him that it’s all going to be okay.

He knows it’s _not_ going to be okay.

Reiner’s practically decapitated, regenerating while he thinks that Bertholdt knows what he’s doing. His voice rings out inside his head, stoic and serious.

_I’ve never seen you as reliable until now. I’m counting on you, buddy._

Tears brim in his eyes, spilling onto his cheeks, still raw from his Titan’s scars. The salt burns, but he’s completely numb.

_I’m not reliable. I failed you, and Annie, and my family, and Marley._

He’s in a hand. His voice is the only thing he has left, and he’s screaming their names. This isn’t some fairytale where everything’s going to be okay in the end, even with the hardships and obstacles. No, this is a tragedy. He’s going to die. Titan-Shifter deaths are inevitable, naturally, but he wished he could have just lived a little longer. He wished that this world wasn’t so cruel. And, he wishes he could have told Annie and Reiner how much he loves the both of them one last time. He’s being lifted to its mouth, and he continues to scream and cry out. His eyes flutter open and closed, but then, he stares. The resemblance is so sudden that his voice breaks off. The Titan.

It’s Armin.

There’s no mistaking it. It’s uncanny, and he only yells louder. His head hits something hard, and he looks up with wide, glassy green eyes. Teeth. Giant, white molars. They’re slowly lowering, and his head is right beneath them. Their names are the last thing he says before a pressure builds on the side of his head. An absolutely sickening sound rings out as Bertholdt’s screaming becomes gurgling, and then all is silent. The pressure is gone.

His vision is red for a split second before everything fades into black.

It’s over.

Not everything ends with “and they all lived happily after”. No, in real life, there is death and loss. In real life, there is violence and grief.

In real life, everything dies.


End file.
